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Do you think that it is any coincidence that there was a massive earthquake in Haiti? Or how about the seismic phenomenon that rocked Chile? Or, better yet, how about that recent one in Turkey?
Did you see all of the snow this year? 48 out of 50 states had a White Valentine's Day. Is that normal at all?
My friends, this is not global warming. This is not climate change. This is not a mere meteorological abnormality. This is God's wrath, and it is just the tip of the melting iceberg that is his all-consuming fury. In the end times, we will be unable to distinguish between the seasons, it is written. The election of the socialist Barack Obama has moved the world dangerously close the ever-precipitous edge of utter apocalypse.
"What must I do to be saved", you ask?
Many of you are guilty of tremendous sin; in that you succumbed to the wiles of the devil and voted for the demon in 2008 despite your good Christian upbringing. Many of you gave in to peer pressure. Many of you just wanted to belong. Many just were weary from the years of famine under Bush.
Had you voted for McCain, the Lord would have blessed you with eight years of plenty! But no, you had to choose sin; therefore you must wander in the desert of despair for the next 40 years. You do not deserve decent health insurance. You do not deserve unemployment benefit extensions. You do not deserve COBRA; for the wages of sin is death.
But despair not! Wallow not in the mire of Despondence; be not transfixed by the empty allure of Vanity Fair! Lo, I have sent to you a political saviour, by which your errors may be forgiven and your souls healed. And lo, her name is Sarah, and she is the scion of my will manifest in human form, Selah.
I will ensure that my child succeeds in her quest to slay the demon in 2012. Fear not, for I am God. However, the political environment must be fertile, so that Sarah may plow her enemies with all the force and might of your Lord.
Therefore, disregard those fallacies which you esteem as erudite; your "common sense" and your "logic", for logic is of the world; and the world is of Satan.
Instead, submit yourselves and your vote to the Party of the Lord. For GOP is only one letter away from GOD. That is not a coincidence. Eschew your carnal needs for such worldly things like "jobs", "healthcare" and "equality". Join your fellow Christian brothers in endeavouring to take back our government, and reestablish the Judeo-Christian roots that our Founding Fathers planted in ancient times. Do not be persuaded by the so-called "facts" and claims of "hypocrisy" from Beelzebub and Cankerworm, those false prophets you know as "Keith Olbermann" and "Rachel Maddow".
Listen instead to my chosen disciples: Brother O'Reilly, Saint Hannity, Sister Coulter, Right Reverend Cavuto, and of course Mary Malkin-dalene.
Do this in 2010 and 2012, and your souls will enter a state of euphoric bliss; with your useless bodies having decayed away from lack of care and proper sustenance. Do this, and know that I am God.
</sarcasm>
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